A heart that Sighs

home is addicting

2008-12-30T19:25:25Z

i wanna keep driving on an unfamiliar road until i find something that excites me.
unconsciously im a very insecure person.

if i had a therapist she would probably tell me that im running away from myself/my life/my fears.

but to tell you the truth im too afraid to even start running.

i wish i could replace Bet in the L word and be friends with all those bitches. that would make my life so much easier. but i would be myself, not Bet, because she's a bitch and really unnecessary in that show.

come on in,
ive got to tell you what a state im in,
i started looking for a warning sign,
when the truth is, that i miss you.

carlycarly @ 2008-11-06T22:37:00

2008-11-07T06:39:01Z

Fuck Ya! america just gave me the best present a girl can git!

OBAMA 08!

it would have been better if prop 8 didnt pass, but we'll make it happen soon. come on people do your part!

carlycarly @ 2008-10-31T22:23:00

2008-11-01T05:26:36Z

i wanna go to london london london! rome rome rome! now now now! save save save! its GONNA happen! i worked out four days in a row this week which makes me feel good. i still have vertigo from time to time but im learning to deal. i freaked out the other night which made me realize i need a plan, so i made one. and it makes me excited to have something to work towards, not just going about my bussiness for no apparent reason.
im excited to vote too but im not going to promote what im voting for, im trying to respect everyones decisions but obviously its really hard sometimes so i just try to keep my opinions to myself most of the time.
i have to admit that it is very difficult however for me not to scorn all those yes on 8 posters...
but can you blame me?

carlycarly @ 2008-10-18T20:43:00

2008-10-19T04:02:33Z

that inspired me so to..
to what?
to do what?
what is my passion lately
i used to have it
its still there
but i dont have enough motivation,
enough anything in me to go out and do it for myself
all i see is failure
and ill be motivated for a minute
and then i wont do it
i wont do it

theres this girl
she can pull off short hair
she can pull off dark hair
she can wear short skirts
and sandals
she can do cross words
she can read in her spare time
she wants to read in her spare time
she chooses green tea over coffee
salad over a sandwich
she smiles when shes sick
she laughs like the birds chirping in the morning
shes beautiful
shes smart
shes funny
thin
shes not me

whats special about me
there used to be something that my family could boast about
now what
no one wants to go to school where i do
no one wants to go to bed early on friday nights
you said i am growing up too fast, or something like that
i stay home too much
im afraid to grow up, because of what it will mean that i lose
yet i push my self and stress myself as if ive already lost it all
i want to wake up and do what i love
i want to have discipline
i want to be able to do cross word puzzles, and like to do them
i want to sing for an audience and have them applaud
i want the audience to be people other than my family
but i wont do it
because im too busy doing the things i feel are not right for me
its all good, its all fun
but its just not enough sometimes
i want passion, a passion, something for me
something that makes me feel alive
i used to take pictures all the time
i used to scrapbook
i used to sing, i dont even sing for myself anymore
i need to make more time for me
more time for it
whatever it is
but im getting really lonely without a passion
i need to meet someone that will push me
but maybe i need to realized that that person needs to be
i have to stop waiting around for my life to start
it feels so good to sing with a guitar
but no one has ever been dedicated enough to do it for me
no matter how many times they said they would be
i miss my friends
i have no one to get coffee with
and i just cant seem to make new ones
lets just say i always wanted to be a dancer
but i never had the patience
to this day i envy the way they can move their bodies
i hear songs that inspire me to dance
but when i move
is ts just not the same
but sometimes i can forget about that
and let myself feel good even if it doesnt look good

finally got out of the house today

2008-10-16T22:27:34Z

sinus infection + vertigo = an unhappy camper

carlycarly @ 2008-08-31T00:26:00

2008-08-31T07:26:53Z

ANTHONY STOP READING MY LIVEJOURNAL!

carlycarly @ 2008-08-30T09:12:00

2008-08-30T16:18:21Z

im warn out.

im not liking school, and my job has been hard because i got sick on wednesday. ive been trying to put in the hours so i can get trained but its been hard having a conjested head. my boyfriend is in san fran this weekend, i missed out on a good friends birthday last night, and thus have no plans for the labor day weekend. i wouldnt feel so dumb if everyone at work wasnt so social and had millions of plans and stuff (at least it feels that way). i just have one more shift today then i finally have some time off. but i guess its better that i just stay home and get well and catch up on some school work than anything else. i havnt had a day off since last wednesday and its really getting to me. not being able to use the computer at work makes so that i have to do so much other things on my own time rather than getting them out of the way at work. i was so behind on my money book, usually i just do it at work on my down time. well i have no downtime now. but im sure once im not ill anymore that work will be much better, theres much more work, but its a way more fun enviornment so its worth it. i think im being too hard on myself. ive been in school for two days, of course i hate it, and ive had three days of training while sick, of course its not all down right away. i need a day planner so i can write everything down, its all getting lost in wallets and purses and brain tunnels. ugh its all too much right now i guess. i need a restful couple days, thats all.

however if i had my way i would not be sick and i would be enjoying myself in san fran. i cant always have what i want, so ill deal. maybe a few days to myself will be good too, catch up time. anyway, thats all.

carlycarly @ 2008-08-24T15:03:00

2008-08-24T22:04:01Z

IM COUNTING DOWN MY LAST MINUTES AT ANDAVI...

one hour and counting...

:)!!!!

GO!GO!GO!

2008-08-22T16:13:09Z

Anyone going to the music festival in la on saturday or sunday with broken social scene and cold war kids?

it would be nice to see some familiar faces. $20 at the door!

carlycarly @ 2008-08-21T17:38:00

2008-08-22T00:39:18Z

studio 4 called me
i got the job
no more andavi!
i couldnt be happier.
come get a hair cut!

carlycarly @ 2008-08-19T15:50:00

2008-08-19T23:00:28Z

i hate andavi i hate andavi i hate andavi!!!
studio 4 call me asap pleeease i wanna quite!
i wanna quite i wanna quite i wanna quite!
im miserable im so miserable so so miserable!

school starts next week but im not as excited as i should be cus my schedule is not complete yet and i still need school supplies, books, and a fixed laptop!
i had an interview at a new salon and loved it there, the pay is less than what im getting paid now but its worth its a million times better than where i am right now. if i dont get the job there ive kinda been offered a job at disneyland too. i just want out of here as soon a humanly possible. last saturday i worked a 9 and half hour shift with no breaks and it traumatized me, not because of how the shift was but because of how long i had to sit and do absolutely NOTHING! ive come to HATE it here and dread every minute of it. i try so hard to distract myself but its hard when there is like NO ONE working in the salon and i have to wait for hours for one client to come in later on in the night. its seriously torture and im thinking that even if i dont get that salon job i will quite when school starts because it is making me very unhappy and when school starts i want to be in good spirits. im hungry but of course i dont have a break so i cant go leave for five minutes to get food even though i know the phone will probably only ring 3 times in the next HOUR. i hate it here.

carlycarly @ 2008-08-16T08:58:00

2008-08-16T15:58:55Z

hair: GROW GROW GROW!

(its dark :])

things are lookin up!

2008-08-14T23:22:43Z

1.my amazing boyfriend got a job at APPLE! yaya i love you so much baby and im so proud of you, you deserve this so so so so much! youre gonna be amazing!
2. i spend the entire day at disneyland yesterday with a smile on my face except for when bf made fun of my coffee habits however we can laugh about that now :)
3. im gonna have an interview at the salon that my friends moved to!
4. irritating employee #1 will be mia for a few weeks
5. im dying my hair darker!
6. School starts soon
7. My parents are out of town this weekend

yayayayayayyyayayaya!

carlycarly @ 2008-08-08T17:26:00

2008-08-09T00:34:06Z

im so in love with lucas vocos.
im so happy, but so tired.

i would like a bath and a nice hearty meal.

which ones..

carlycarly @ 2008-08-05T01:24:00

2008-08-05T08:22:50Z

i wanna sing more.

im wired.

carlycarly @ 2008-07-30T17:00:00

2008-07-31T00:08:22Z

i feel distracted, i havnt been home in days and i miss my family. from time to time ill think about costa rica and get really sad, like its a death of a relative that i should be mourning not distracting myself from.
today i bought 5 for $15 underwear at target, i found an old picture of my former employees who texted me today telling me they miss me (it sucks here), my boyfriend doesnt think i deserve $13/hr (i dont), im scared of being alone, i hate loud noises in the morning and unbrushed teeth, i like the feeling of crying in my eyes but not my throat, i like dancing but not sweating, i like drinking but not being drunk, i like cuddling but not without a fan, i like my mom all the time, i like train rides but not when there are earthquakes, i wish everybody lived closer.
school starts soon and i dono if i can handle not having friends there any longer, but im so bad at making friends because i isolate myself (contradictions)
the real world finale made me cry. J to O to the E to the Y is ouuuuuut!

im going camping this weekend, hit me up if you wanna join.

carlycarly @ 2008-07-22T17:15:00

2008-07-23T00:20:24Z

im home. its weird. but so good to see my boy and my kitty. work is deadly at this point but im trying to get myself through it. my heart is broken that im so far away from costa rica, ive never had such an amazing trip. i feel at home there, yet everyone that i consider family is in california. family feels more like home than a place and i know that i just need a few days to get over the heartache. i know it all sounds so dramatic but i cant help it. i dare someone to go there and prove me wrong (excluding my grandparents or any others that think vacation means spending all day at a resort, never leaving the pool)

carlycarly @ 2008-07-11T08:31:00

2008-07-11T15:31:40Z

rain rain rain. i dont want to come home.

carlycarly @ 2008-06-24T17:00:00

2008-06-25T00:00:47Z

Cocaine

To dream that you are taking cocaine, indicates that you are feeling empty and devoid of emotions. You are looking to get out of your commitments or denying your responsibilities. You lack ambition. On a more positive note, the dream may be telling you that you need to be more lively and energetic.

ehhh..

"happiness is not a destination, it is a form of transportation"

2008-06-18T01:21:19Z

my job depresses me. get me out of here!

i seriously transform when i come to work, especially since i have the freakin closing shifts, i wait around for one stylist to finish up their clients and usually it goes to AT LEAST seven where im just sitting up here alone. at least with the morning shifts more is going on to keep me occupied and distracted. but when i just sit here i end up dwelling about nothing and making myself sad for no apparent reason. i hate it. i cant even have a conversation on the phone because im in such a daze of boredom. i hate i hate i hate it. i hope its not too hard to get a new job when i get back from vacation because i cant be here much longer...
i had a great weekend and things are going my way with school (besides the heavy load of reading)and overall im pretty happy so there is no reason for me to be down, but seriously the second i walk in the door to the salon it all hits me and i sink.

i just wanna ride bikes and watch movies and spend my day out eating at cute restuarants.
i just need a new job so i dont have to feel sad at work anymore, a job where im actually doing something not just sitting and thinking about nothing and driving myself crazzzzzy.

ha, so i guess if anyone knows of somewhere thats hiring, let me know?

thankssssssssssssss

im getting blonder and blonder and i dont know how it is happening, i havnt colored my hair. some days i like it. others i feel like it doesnt go well with my skin tone. i dont care that much.

carlycarly @ 2008-06-05T16:45:00

2008-06-05T23:45:26Z

i feel better because i am in love.

my mind is playing tricks on me

2008-06-01T20:20:46Z

i feel strange lately. i think im doing it to myself. im overanalyzing everything. everything. everything. i think i need a new enviornment, a new job. i want a new job for sure. and i want more than one day off. i feel sad inside and there is no reason for it. i dont know who to talk to because i have no explenations for any of this, yet i want someone to be there for me. i finally got rid of the old lady that would come in every sunday so i should be stoked. but i still feel strange. strange. strange.

last night we had a huge party, i mean 100 people in my house huge. it was great. we had a band and everything. but part of the night was a little dazy. running around seeing so many people and i dont feel as though i endulged in it as much as i should have. im always missing people even when they are right in front of me. i feel like im in a vulnerable state where i am constantly in need of extra extra TLC.

summer school is a little much for me right now, im not gonna lie. i feel like i like the class but the fact that i have to work so much on top of it i feel like it isnt really summer. but its only six weeks so its not my biggest concern.

i want out of this place, this salon, this box with bad lighting and bache walls. i want away from STAR magazines and negetive attitudes. i want to go to costa rica. now. but i wanna take lukey and meech...

i need a hug from my kitty.

carlycarly @ 2008-05-17T09:19:00

2008-05-17T16:17:45Z

GOODSEARCH.COM check it!

2008-05-04T18:59:59Z

i only like the chocolate in the trail mix. my nightmare was too realistic last night and i really like my bf right now.

waking up to my two favorite boys is my favorite thing. lukey made me breakfast this morning and it was precious.

all the chocolate is officially gone in my trail mix.

carlycarly @ 2008-05-03T09:24:00

2008-05-03T16:25:06Z

its not a matter of what happened, but when it began and when i became blinded by manipulation. you disgust me.

you dont control me, and i wont let you get away with it this time.